My underwear smells like fireworks.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
