Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
