If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water