my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
