my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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