My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
