Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
