I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
