When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
