cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
