so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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