Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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