Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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