DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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