i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference