Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.