i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.