when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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