I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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