The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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