Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
