Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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