90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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