One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
