I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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