you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
