im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
40s are totally the cure
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
