her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
