I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
