You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
