Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
