I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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