"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
