i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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