Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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