A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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