Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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