Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
