So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
