A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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