Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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