Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
