I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
