I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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