When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
