i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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