I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
