mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
