I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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