my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
