vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
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On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Who died my cat blue again?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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