Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
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It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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