In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
