I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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