Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
