dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
